Monday, July 14, 2008


Hello again their Citizens. It has been a great day to not get out of the bed, due to the fact that this is one of those days where nothing can seem to go right. Which led me to the bathroom mirror, looking myself directly into my eyes(I might have been coming onto myself, I don't know) and scream at the top of my lungs, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING GETTING OUT BED THIS MORNING?!?" Which as I was trying to find the Advil (pretty sure that’s trademarked), it made me think of a great new series I could start on the inter-web. I am going to look at the insight on some of the things that are going on today in America and see if I can't figure some things out.
The Accused:
The "W" Show, FISA, and all of the telecommunication without balls.
Now, Your Honor, (This means you Citizens, time to wake up and actually do some work you lazy Democrat) I, in no way want to point out the logistics of this case today, because every major news organization and political web-site in the country has already painted the picture, framed it, put it on the auction block and sold it for way more than it is worth. I want to look at the reality of the case. OK Citizen, let me break out a new canvas and attempt to show you what I mean with Stick figures, because (enter you Higher Power here) knows that I can't draw to save my life, the mortgage problem, or Dick Cheney's heart.
Let's say that I knock on your front door with my partner, because we never travel alone, and you and your significant other, who is HOTT.....with anticipation to find out why these strangers who are sharply dressed are at your door. As they open the door, I introduce myself as a member of the National Organization to Better Engulf Liberals in Everyday Values and Bake Little Edibles....or as I call it "N.O.T. B.E.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E" (Trademarked too by the way). The fact that I had a really long name, looked awesome in my suit and had an 6'11, 345 pound black man in a similar suit wearing dark sunglasses whom I introduced as "Agent Jones" standing behind me, automatically told you that I was here for business. As I walk into your house, and start taking things off the wall, test driving your car, buying random pay-per-views on your cable bill, and using your bathroom, you ask me what I was looking for and when I would be leaving? "Shouldn't you have a warrant or something?" you ask. I look you dead in your eye and tell you that what I about to tell you is top secret and if you repeat it to anyone, you will wind up in the middle of the arctic tundra, up to your waist in ice while we poor fish guts on you and await the great migration of the polar bear. You agree and I tell you that at some point we received what we thought to be a five second transmission from an area close to a place we use to be at war with that involved the words(insert your town, Last name and type of fish you own here). We, the National Organization, don't want to automatically believe that you or your significant other was involved with any crime. So Agent Smith, my boss, came to me and said "Killer, I need you and Jones to go down to Florida and figure this shit out. You two are the best agents we got and if you guys can't, than nobody can, and we all going to be some fightin' Motha fuckers up in here" As you fix the puzzled look on you face, we enter the kitchen and I tell you that long story short, you just assisted the N.O.T. B.E.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E. in securing National Safetyness. I take the Banana Cream Pie out of the fridge, as you feel incredibly patriotic, and start walking me to the front door. As you open the door for me, your hot significant other is walking out of your bedroom with my partner putting his shirt back on and her hair is a mess. You look at her and she at you and just when you go to open your mouth, my partner says in a deep voice "If we didn't take each others clothes off and I smear her make up, as well as destroy your headboard making awkward sounds, then the terrorists win." On that note we walk out the door I eating the pie, and my partner finishing tucking in his shirt.
That about sums up what happen in reality. Government went to telecom companies, said to tap these lines, "Warrant? We don't need no stinkin warrant" "OH OK "(Which way did he go George which way did he go?) and boom Citizens, your 96 year old grandmothers phone is tapped because she watched one too many episodes of "That cute Alan Alda" on M.A.S.H. and is now a potential Threat. The only thing I can honestly ask the Telecom companies is "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKIN?!?"
Stay Safe Citizens, Until Next Time,
Legend Killer

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